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Episode 19/Transcript
Brittnay: Okay, what the fuck is the hold up here? Belinda: No, we don't have any baguettes, Saison Margeurite. I make it a rule to not sell anything I cannot spell. I have rolls. R-O-O-L-S. Rolls. Would you like a roll? Saison: Yes, I suppose yet again— (The TV Producer and Brett walk on) Producer: Cut! Belinda: Wait, what the fuck? Who are—Oh my God, if this is Chris Hansen, seriously, I swear to god, look, that girl she told me she was eighteen! Wait, you know, what girl? You know—Anyway, hi, hello, would you like some meat loaf? Producer: Hey, Saison, that was great. This time, though, can you give me a little more— Belinda: Wait, wait, wait a minute, what? Saison, these cameras are for you? Saison: Oui, Lunch Lady Belinda, I am now being filmed for an American reality television program. Belinda: Oh wow, look, they're making reality shows about French people now? What's it called, put your oui oui in my poo poo? Producer: No, no, no, sweetheart, this show is called Babes Having Babies. It's like 16 and Pregnant, but we use hot chicks. And we only film them for the first two months of their pregnancy, you know, before they get all fat and shit. Belinda: Oh, well uh, you know, I've had a few miscarriages myself. Producer: Yeah, I can fucking tell. Brittnay: Okay I'm sorry, but what the fuck is the hold up over here?! Producer: Oh hey, it's the famous Brittnay Matthews. I've heard a lot about you. Brittnay: Wait, you, you have? Producer: Yeah, you're Saison's best friend. Brittnay: Her what? Drector: Okay guys, I want you to frame up here on Saison and her best friend, make sure you cut out the freak in the background. Belinda: What—oh Goddammit! Brittnay: I'm sorry? Wait, what did you just refer to me as? Saison: Brittnay, I hope it is okay, but I told the producers all about our friendship and they say they want to put you on the, how you say, show! Brittnay: Wait a minute, I'm gonna be on TV? Producer: As long as you are, in fact, this girl's best friend. Brittnay: Saison! Saison: Brittnay! Brittnay: C'mon, I saved you a seat at the center lunch table! Saison: Oh! This is so, how you say, exciting! Brittnay: Oh I love it when you don't know words! Because it seems like you do, like you should really know them, but you don't! It's so adorable. Some people find it unbearable, but not me! Let's go bestie! Producer: Nice. Maybe we can get them to make out later. Brett: Dude, she's, uh, having a baby. Producer: And I'm, uh, having a deadline, retard. Now shut the fuck up and go get some B-roll of kids walking in the quad with their backpacks on. Do it! Belinda: Have you ever thought about producing an exposé on the secret lives of lunch ladies? I call it: "Meat Flaps." Producer: Nope, not once, not ever, I just threw up in my mouth. Please stop talking to me, and walk away. Amberlynn: Hi Lunch Lady Belinda! How's your afternoon going?! Belinda: Oh, you are a calm breeze in my fuckstorm of a life that I'm living. Thank god we're having hot dogs today. (Brittnay and Saison are in the hallway) Brittnay: Oh Saison. Shay: Hey Saison, didn't see you at lunch. Producer: Cut, cut! Who the fuck is this? Saison: Oh, this is Shay Van Buren. Producer: And who the fuck is Shay Van Buren? Brittnay: Some cunt you don't want in your shot. Shay: Hey, I'm not a cunt. Producer: Well, whoever you are, you're blocking my two-shot. Shay: Saison, why are you hanging out with this bitch? Brittnay: Uh, because this bitch is her best friend! No matter what you're about to say or prove! Shay: Saison, I always thought I'' was your best friend. '''Saison': Well, I have always had a special connection with Brittnay. We have such a witty, how do you say, banter. Brittnay: (laughs) There it is again! That thing that she does that I love so much! Did you guys get that on tape? Because we can do another take! It just makes me want to explode—with happiness! Saison: Oh Brittnay, you are such a, how do you say, crack up? (Brittnay laughs) Saison: You're so funny, he he. Shay: Okay, then Brittnay, since you and Saison are such good friends, what's her favorite food? Brittnay: Uh... French... fries? Saison: Oh yes, delicious! Shay: Ok, who's her favorite actor? Brittnay: Uh... French... Stewart? Saision: Oh, oui! 3rd Rock from the, how do you say, Sun! Shay: Fine... what's her favorite salad dressing. Brittnay: Uh... Thousand island? Saison: Absolutemente! Producer: Alright, I've heard enough. Best friend number two, I'm going to need you to go stand next to Best Friend number one. Brittnay: Wait, what the fuck? Saison: Oh yay! Room for all friends. Producer: Alright, and on the count of three, I want you all to kiss and then say, "We're having a baby!" One, two— Brittnay and Shay: We're having a baby! Saison: How do you say, baby? Producer: Boom! That's goin' in the sizzle reel. Bam wham. Saison: Well, friends, I have to be going to, how you say, French class. Brittnay: Of course you do! Why wouldn't you be going to a class where you learn French even though you're already French, you adorable little—I'll see ya later! Producer: Man, is it just me or is every single girl in this school just incredibly attractive? Brett: Yeah, I know what you mean, it's pretty much impossible to find an ugly one in the bunch. (Judith and Rachel walk by) Judith: Heeyy! Producer: Spoke too soon. Man I'm just barfing all day today. Shay: Hey, maybe at some point, do you think we could make a spinoff, of my own series? Producer: Well number two, what's your story? Sha: I was born into a dynasty of high school socialites and was destined to popularity, but then my rivalry with the local cheer squad stalled my rise to the throne of prom queen and ended up with me ripping off the arms of one of my friends. Producer: Who the fuck would want to watch a show like that? (Brittnay slams her head against lockers) Than: Oh, hey babe, what are we doing, banging our heads against the locker? I'm in! (bangs head against locker) Yeeaah, take that locker! Brittnay: What the fuck is wrong with you? Than: Some dark shit! So, what's your day been like? Brittnay: Well, I've just had to spend the entire day acting like I care about the biggest dumbass in the world. Than: Wait, is this your way of breaking up with me? Cause this is harsh. Brittnay: Not you, dumbass. Saison Margeurite! I have to be friends with her and Shay van Buren if I want to be on TV. Than: Hey, trust me babe, after a while, it gets really easy to deny who you really are. (Blaine and Matthew walk past) Now if you'll excuse me. (bangs his head on the lockers again)